This morning I woke up angry. My therapist tells me anger is a base emotion that covers up or displaces feelings that are more fine tuned: sadness, compasion, self-doubt, loneliness and especially joy and happiness. My therapist may be right. This morning I felt angry at the small impermanent things – triggered for example when my newish bedroom blind that I really like fell down off the window. Again. There was no earthquake of physical disruption to make that happen. I think the blind may be constructed backward so I’ll have to disrupt my morning, go back to the blind shop, argue with the owner, maybe spend more $ on a new one. Feh. But my blind anger (not bad) is a cover for my anger at the universe, for David dying, for Stew dying, for Bets who has no good choices of anything to do about the cancer in her body; for myself at my sporadic memory which has wiped out cherished images from my past until they pop up again unannounced (which makes me happy) but then fade so fast I can’t hang onto them.
I had a lovely recollection of Stew while I was waking up, but now it’s gone. Perhaps never to return. Behind all this is my anger as a political progressive at the state of the world. Mike Huckabee said this morning that Obama’s deal with Iran over nuclear proliferation would – get this -take the the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven! I must admit, I get off on the energy I get from being angry. Like caffeine, anger is a high that never lasts but is exciting while it does.
Bets and I have come up with a punk chant about our and by extension the world’s situation. We’ll dress in black and stomp our feet. Who knows, maybe dye our hair. If we manage to rehearse we may perform at David’s memorial, yelling at the infinite over and over: Fuckin sucks! Fuckin sucks! Fuckin sucks! Fuckin sucks!
All for now. The Barb 50th anniversary is eating up my life http://www.berkeleybarb.net . At least I’m enjoying it.
Follow up on Blind story: I admitted defeat. I’d done my best to install the sucker but it continued to fall down. So I decided I would treat myself. I went to the blinds guy and paid an inordinate amount of $ to have Maurice come & install the blind for me. By the time Maurice finished, which included an additional plastic part, he told me: “I’ve been doing this for 30 years. That was a hard one.” Yay for me. I made the right decision.