Natural Unhappiness

7:06 a.m. The meditation app I use most mornings as soon as I wake up (but after peeing) is Insight Timer. I go to Guided Meditations, Rick Hansen, 8:56 minutes . Rick’s voice tells me to leave behind two heavy suitcases : one that contains my worries about the future, the other my regrets about the past. I am to drop them on the sidewalk outside my house, just leave them there, come back into my house climb into my warm bed and feel the natural happiness of the infinite flow through me. I wish it was that simple.

I don’t have regrets about my past; what’s done is either done or I can twist it to my satisfaction as I tell my stories in Yippie Girl. But I am not yet ready to drop my worries about the future. Those weigh me down.  Am I wrong not to worry about the mere seconds it takes me to forget a thought, even though I repeat the thought to myself a few times just so I can remember? And what about the loneliness? I don’t want another man. Or woman for that matter. Perhaps its just where I am in the grieving process, but I can’t see going through the negotiations, the limitations, the compromises and the difficulties of dealing with another mammal (David’s term) in my life. But at the same time I miss David’s snuggles and having a human being with whom to share my problems: the tiny questions and the fun stuff that arises during the day. My widow friends do as I do: we look around in public spaces and literally do not see anyone who turns me/us on enough to make me come close to feeling attracted in a manner that would make the difficulties of getting to know, let alone make meeting a new person, worthwhile. Plus I must solidify my Judy Gumbo self before I reach out to any other, to have the “enjoy your day” Judy Gumbo be the person who greets me first thing in the morning, not this fearful woman  worrier for whom I feel little self-compassion. So my worry about the future is: am I doomed to live the rest of my life alone?

I must be just going through a moment in a process. If I let go of my suitcase of worries about the future, perhaps the act of letting go will change that future for me. 

8:00 a.m. Just starting to drink my morning Peets. Yum. Like REM says, “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”  Weird, huh? 

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