Yours is the only blog I read…

Was the compliment my friend Merle gave me last night. We’d had dinner at Belli Osteria then she, Art & I went to see Kathleen Turner in Red Hot Patriot at Berkeley Rep.The politically liberal and brilliant Kathleen Turner fits the Molly Ivins role – and I don’t mean to sound sexist here – like Cinderella’s shoe.  At one point, I found myself conflating the Molly Ivins character who spoke to chapters of the ACLU in Texas with the real-life Kathleen Turner I met once in Portland after my staff and I invited her to speak to major donors at our Planned Parenthood affiliate.  Red Hot Patriot did what I hoped it would: put me back into my former normal life.

Party People was the last show David saw at Berkeley Rep. He loved it.  If I visualize last night’s empty seat beside me, where David always sat, I tear up just a little. I say this often: grieving is not linear. I experience any stage or stages of grief all at the same time.  I learned this at Stew’s death, my guess is I’ll have similar melding with David. In keeping with the season I want to change my metaphor.  I don’t want to ride that roller coaster of emotion or wallow in it like a ship atop the waves; instead I’ll let my feelings travel up and down as if I’d stepped onto that ancient escalator with its slatted wooden steps in  Macy’s on 34th Street.  Today I hope I’m moving upward – and who knows – even forward.

Writing makes me feel better. This turns out to be a medical miracle based in science, at least according to an article my friend Connie e-mailed,

But blogging also has its downside. “I read your blog so I know how you are.  Once I know, maybe then I don’t call,” Merle said last night. That fewer calls from friends could be an outcome of my writing had not occurred to me.  My new normal turns out to have a bunch of empty spaces in its day, especially later in the afternoon. Feel free to call. Compliments are always welcome,  but chatting too is good – except between the hours of 3 and 5 when I nap or walk or talk with Jessica.

One thought on “Yours is the only blog I read…

  1. Dear J-A wise friend just said to me “Grief will break you open”. I’m just trying not to judge all the thoughts,feelings, memories, reactions that are flowing in and out of my consciousness these days-love, E

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