Shock doctrine

I am in shock about David’s death. I don’t know why this feels like such a momentous realization but it does. Shock explains why I wake up breathing in short gasps, unable to get my breath back, while my top and bottom teeth are clenched so tight I can feel every molar. The muscles on my left side that connect my head to my shoulder are stretched as tight as the bow string I used to pull when I’d play at being Robin Hood as a kid. As I recall my grandmother Ida made me a forest green Robin Hood outfit complete with tights and top with pointy fringes so I could pretend to rob from the rich and give to the poor; one of the brighter moments of my childhood which, thanks to the tender ministrations of my alcoholic mother, also left me with a mild case of PTSD. Not just experiencing physical symptoms but the realization I am in shock about David’s death gives me a level of sadnesses and understanding it took six weeks and hiking among the Saguaros to reach. Will I now be able to relax and oh yes please to rest?

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